Dealing with Regret: A 4-Step Process for Moving Forward

Most of us have at least one thing we wish we had done differently. A do-over on a decision that didn’t turn out as we expected. A second chance at a missed opportunity that could have taken our lives in a different direction.

In fact, 82% of Americans say they feel regret at least occasionally, according to a 2020 survey.

Although regret is common, it’s important to deal with it when it occurs. “Left to run wild, it can trigger other feelings, like grief, anger, and fear,” says AbleTo Clinical Content Producer Kelli McElhinny, LCSW. “Some research even links regret to an increase in symptoms of depression.”

So, yes, regret feels bad. But it doesn’t have to last. Before we explore healthy ways to manage it, let’s find out more about why it occurs in the first place.

What is regret?

Regret occurs when you feel sad, remorseful, or disappointed about something you did or didn’t do.
It has 2 parts:

• Comparing the actual outcome with possible alternatives. For instance, If I studied accounting instead of sociology, I’d be making way more money now.
• Feeling responsible or blaming yourself for the result of your choice. For instance, If I were smarter, I would have listened to my dad when choosing my major.

But, like other “negative” emotions, regret can serve a purpose. One study found that participants valued their regret experiences. They felt it helped them make sense of situations and that it prompted self-insight and personal growth.
That said, if you don’t manage your emotions around regret, you can end up ruminating in an unproductive way. That’s what we want to avoid.

Moving from regret to resilience

How can you benefit from regret rather than have it drag you down? This 4-part process can help.

1 . Accept what happened

It’s tempting to think about going back and taking another path. But unless someone invents a time machine, that’s not going to happen. Instead, focus on accepting your reality rather than trying to wish it away. Use this SNACK exercise — Stop, Notice, Accept, Curious, Kindness — to get curious about your regret. It can help you find the lesson hidden within.

2. Be kind to yourself

Counter any self-blame you feel with self-compassion. It can help lead to personal growth.
Remember, we make nearly all of our decisions in the face of some uncertainty. No outcome is guaranteed. Recognize that you did the best you could with the information you had at the time.
Need help dealing with that nagging voice in the back of your head? Here’s How to Get to Know — and Start to Quiet — Your Inner Critic.

3. Learn from your mistakes

Insight is one of the hidden blessings of regret. Use it to your advantage. Reflect on the situation. What factors influenced your decision? What are your takeaways? Think about what you might do differently the next time you face a similar scenario. Revisit the curiosity that you practiced earlier. What did it tell you or show you?
As you work through these questions, consider writing down your answers. AbleTo’s Freewrite Journal is a safe space.

4. Take action

Regret may push you to make a positive change in the future. Or maybe even right now. What’s that change? What do you need to do to make it happen? Once you figure that out, set Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound goals to get there. AbleTo’s SMART Goals Journal can help.
Be patient with this process. You may have to repeat these steps again and again. That doesn’t mean you’re going in the wrong direction. Each time you practice any of these steps, you’re that much closer to releasing your regret.

Turn regret into opportunity

Making mistakes is part of being human. So is the regret that often follows those mistakes. Can it weigh you down? Yes. But it doesn’t have to. Spend some time — but not too much — paying attention to its messages, and you may learn some valuable lessons.