Setting Boundaries Feels Hard. Here’s How to Make it Easier.

When we hear the word “boundaries,” it often has a negative spin to it. We might think of them as invisible stop signs. Or fences that enforce a safe zone around us.

That can be true to some extent. But they can also help us bring more good into our lives. They can give us a sense of control. They can help us define who we are. And they help us set a course that aligns with our goals and vision for the future.

But that doesn’t mean they’re easy to uphold. In a recent survey of more than 1,000 Americans, 58% reported that they have a tough time saying “no” to other people. In one response, people admitted that they’ve attended events because they feel guilty or obligated. It’s a classic example of how emotional setting boundaries can be.

“Setting boundaries is a balancing act,” says Giselle Alexander, LCSW, a licensed therapist and AbleTo Program Advisor. “The more we understand what works for us and the more we feel like we can assert that, the more effective we are in our lives.”

Still, setting boundaries can feel strange. And it can be extra tough if we didn’t see that as the norm growing up. But we’ll walk you through the basics of setting boundaries. We’ll cover what types exist. Then we’ll discuss what healthy boundaries look like. Lastly, we’ll touch on how to handle one being crossed.

Types of boundaries

Boundaries can fall into several buckets. Here are 8 common types and examples of what they relate to:

• Physical — personal space and body, including bodily autonomy
• Sexual — intimacy/affection, including partners, activities, and timing
• Emotional — our feelings and personal details
• Intellectual — our beliefs, thoughts, and ideas. This includes when, how, and if we share them.
• Material/financial — our belongings and money
• Digital — technology and how it’s used, interactions in digital spaces, and the amount and type of content consumed
• Time — demands on our work and personal schedules. Plus, when things happen and how time is used.
• Work — job duties and scope

The way we set boundaries in these areas may differ in certain contexts (work, personal). It can also vary with different groups of people (friends, family).

Why setting boundaries can feel hard

Creating boundaries can feel difficult for numerous reasons. For example, low self-esteem may convince us that we’re not worthy of putting ourselves first. Or we might think our needs matter less than others. It can also be tough if we’ve had our boundaries breached on a regular basis.

Cultural norms also play a part. Generational norms, too. Same goes for family dynamics. We were raised with different values. And we may have been raised to feel like stating our needs was wrong. We may have feared rejection from the people we love.

“Knowing that you have a right to say no to people or requests that don’t serve you can be revolutionary,” says Alexander.

It might sound strange at first, but we can forge stronger relationships if we map out and hold our boundaries. The same goes for respecting boundaries set by other people. By honoring each other’s boundaries, we can foster mutual trust.

You’re not alone if you feel like setting boundaries is scary. But they help protect your mental health, so it’s worth doing the hard work.

What healthy and unhealthy boundaries look like

When we’re not used to setting boundaries, it can be a little hard to tell which ones are healthy and which are not.

Healthy boundaries look like:

• Making decisions that align with our values and needs
• Saying “no” and not bowing to pressure to change your answer
• Respecting other people’s boundaries, opinions, and values
• Sharing personal details that fit the situation (like hobbies or favorite music)

Unhealthy boundaries look like:

• Having a tough time saying “no” (or not taking “no” for an answer)
• Taking on more than your time or energy allows
• Being unable to state your boundaries clearly (or feeling guilty when you do)
• Conceding your values or needs to make someone else happy
• Oversharing personal details

How clear and rigid our boundaries are can impact whether they’re healthy. It can also impact whether they work in our favor. Healthy boundaries are expressed in plain terms. They’re easy to understand. And when necessary, they can be adapted to fit different situations while still protecting our well-being. These kinds of clear boundaries contribute to strong, stable relationships.

When boundaries are loosely defined and unclear, they’re known as open boundaries. The fact that they’re wishy-washy makes them hard to articulate. That, in turn, makes them hard for us to uphold — and hard for others to respect. Open boundaries can add stress to our lives. And, at worst, they can lead to toxic situations or relationships.

That said, rigid boundaries can be unhealthy, too. That’s because they can close us off to new ideas or experiences that have a positive impact on our lives. Rigid boundaries can also make it harder to engage in productive dialogues. In some cases, they can isolate us, both physically and emotionally. That ends up straining our mental health, too.

4 steps to setting healthy boundaries

Boundaries can apply to multiple aspects of our lives. And they may need to change over time. As we go through our own personal journeys, we meet different people. We find ourselves in different situations. And we feel a wide range of emotions. But if we set the right boundaries at the right time, we can protect our well-being and stay true to our values.

Try this process the next time you need to set a boundary.

1. Define your values

You can’t hold your boundaries if you don’t know what they are. Not sure where to begin? Ask yourself some questions, says Alexander. What’s important to you? How do you spend most of your time? If there were no limits, how would you like to spend your time and attention? Who or what is a big part of your life? Are you devoting enough time to your passions and goals?

Writing down your answers can help you figure out whether your current boundaries support your priorities and values. AbleTo participants can use the Freewrite Journal to brainstorm.

2. Tune into your feelings and body

Our emotions can give us a better sense of where our boundaries are. The same goes for any physical sensations that arise. When one of our limits has been crossed, we might feel anxious. Or we might notice a weight in our chest. Or we might feel knots in our stomach.

Think back on some recent interactions. Which ones left you feeling good? Which left you unsettled? This will help you start to develop an idea of what situations might need to change. Or with whom you might need to set new boundaries.

3. Express what you need

When we’re setting a boundary, we might be tempted to avoid the conversation. But if we expect other people to honor our limits, we have to clearly explain what they are.

Be honest, direct, and respectful. And don’t be afraid to follow through. There’s no need to over-explain or justify your boundaries to others. Remember: No is a complete sentence.

While you can’t dictate how others respond to your boundaries or needs, you can control your reaction. Do your best to practice breathing exercises ahead of time so you can draw on them in the moment.

4. Give yourself time to think before answering requests

When someone asks for a favor, makes a request, or invites us to an event, we might feel pressure to answer right away. But when we do, we might respond in a way that doesn’t honor our boundaries. This is often the case when the person asking is someone close to us. Or when that person is in a position of power, like a boss.

To give yourself time to think, you can say something like, “I need a minute to check my calendar.” That way, you give yourself the space to figure out if you have the time, energy, and desire to commit.

If you say yes in the moment and come to regret it, it’s okay to change your mind. “If you start to notice that you’ve overextended yourself, you can bow out gracefully,” points out Alexander. “For example, you can say something like this: ‘I know I agreed to bring a dish for the potluck next Saturday. In the moment, it seemed like something I could do. But I realized that I need to work late on Friday and will be too tired to attend.’”

What to do when your boundaries are crossed

The reality is, boundaries get crossed, even when we’ve defined and expressed them. When that happens, calmly state that your boundary has been crossed. Reiterate your expectations. Then explain the consequences for not honoring them.

At AbleTo, there are a couple of exercises that we use to navigate these kinds of tricky talks.

The first is known by the acronym dear man. It’s used in situations when expressing your boundaries might be tough. Maybe you need to ask for something you need. Or turn down someone else’s ask.

Here’s how it works:

• Describe the situation
• Express your feelings and opinions
• Assert yourself. Ask for what you want or say no clearly.
• Reinforce the reward. Tell the person you’re speaking to about the upsides of you getting what you need. Help them feel good about supporting your desires.
• Mindfully keep your focus on your goals for the conversation
• Appear confident. Keep eye contact and an even tone of voice.
• Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Propose and ask for different solutions.

The second exercise helps you encourage yourself. Some are phrases to help you feel confident and hold your ground. Others are designed to help you cope with setbacks.

A few you can try:

• It’s okay to want or need something from someone else
• I can stand it if I don’t get what I want or need
• I can insist upon my rights and still be a good person
• There is no law that says other people’s opinions are more valid than mine
• If I say no to people and they get angry, that does not mean that I should have said yes

If our boundaries keep getting broken, we may need to rethink how we interact with a person. Or we might need to remove ourselves from certain situations to protect our well-being.

Better with boundaries

Boundaries can feel daunting. But setting them protects our mental health. Boundaries can help us stay on a positive path that aligns with our values. And if we need support along the way, AbleTo providers can help.