What to Say (and Not to Say) to Someone Who is Grieving

Grief is a universal experience. Not knowing what to say to a grieving person is almost as common.

That’s because humans feel a variety of emotions. But many of us never learned how to talk about them. Talking about emotions — including grief — is a skill. But, don’t worry, that’s a good thing. It means that with a little know-how and practice, you can improve.

How to best support a loved one who’s grieving

Wondering what to say — or not say — to a friend or loved one who recently experienced a loss? Here are a few tips for talking about grief based on common questions we hear.

Q: Do I have to say anything at all?

A: In short, yes. The grieving person may think that you don’t care if you don’t talk about their loss. It’s natural to want to avoid uncomfortable conversations and be afraid of making mistakes. But it’s important to overcome that hesitation and show your support. Be prepared to do as much listening as talking. Maybe even more. Research shows people value feeling heard and even the mere presence of others during their grief.

Q: What’s the right thing to say?

A: There really isn’t one “right” thing to say. Everyone’s grieving process is different. Let the other person take the lead. One theory suggests that maintaining bonds with the deceased can be important in the grieving process. So giving people chances to talk about their loved one can help. Sharing your own memories does, too. Expressing support and normalizing the experience are also usually useful.

Q: What if I say something wrong?

A: You have the best of intentions in supporting your friend or loved one. But you may say something that lands the wrong way. Or doesn’t come out quite right. After all, you’re a human who makes mistakes. If you do, apologize, learn, and show yourself some grace. Most importantly, keep trying. Don’t hide from the person out of embarrassment.

Q: Should I share my own experiences with grieving?

A: Maybe. It’s natural to relate to someone else through your own experiences. But tread with caution. Someone else’s grief journey is probably different from yours. Instead, ask what the person needs. Do they need help problem-solving? Or do they just want a sympathetic ear? Let them guide the conversation.

Q: Is there anything else I can do to help?

A: Reach out. Extend invitations. Grieving folks often feel lonely. And isolation can make grief harder in many ways. So setting up get-togethers, either virtual or in-person, can be valuable. You can also take care of practical tasks. Keep those offers simple, though. Rather than a general — and vague — suggestion of help, give limited choices. For example, say, “I can pick up some groceries for you or grab takeout. Which would you like?”

Caring and compassion are all you need

Many of us feel stressed when faced with conversations about grief. You may be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to “fix” the situation or make the person whole again. Don’t. No grieving person expects that from you. Besides, grief isn’t something that can be fixed or repaired.

Yes, having an idea of what to say is useful. But all you really need to do is be there. Being available for support — especially over the long haul — is enough. Keep showing up.