How to Actually Feel Your Feelings

Most of us have intense feelings from time to time. Some are welcome. Like the pleasure we feel while spending time with our favorite people. Others seem unbearable. Like the grief that hits us after a loved one dies.

Having feelings of all kinds is a normal human experience. And a valuable one. Our emotions deliver important messages to us. But if we push away uncomfortable emotions and feelings, we can miss out on some of those messages.

Actually feeling all of your feelings is a better approach. The good. The bad. And the in-between.

We’ll explain how. But first, you’ll need to know how emotions and feelings are different. Plus, why we have them.

Feelings and emotions: What’s the difference?

People often talk about feelings and emotions in the same way, but they have important differences.

• Emotions give us information about our environment. They’re signals from our bodies, like ”butterflies” in our stomach or tightness in our chest.
• Feelings are how we make sense of those signals. They’re the thoughts we have and the words we use to describe them. For instance, you might interpret the “butterflies” in your stomach as a sign that you’re nervous. Or, you might assume they mean you’re excited.

Here’s another way to think about the difference: Emotions are alerts, telling you to take action. Feelings help you decide what action — if any — to take.

When feelings become foes

Emotions seem straightforward. They’re about taking in data. But if so, why do our feelings get so messy?

Enter judgment. Most of us don’t like feeling uncomfortable. So when we experience emotions that make us feel that way, we label them as negative. And then we try to avoid them. But that can lead to problems.

For instance, have you ever downed an entire pint of ice cream to numb your stress? Or had a glass — or more — of wine to take the edge off? Those are knee-jerk reactions to unpleasant emotions. They can be ok in moderation. But if they become your go-to coping strategies, they can lead to health issues.

Besides, those reactions are brief distractions from bad feelings. Your emotions are trying to get your attention. So they’re likely to keep coming back until you heed their message. And avoiding your emotions can have short- and long-term effects on your body.

For instance, a review of 24 studies found that when participants were told to suppress their emotions while under stress, they experienced higher heart rate, blood pressure, and stress hormone levels.

Long term, this heightened stress response may be one reason why suppressing emotions is linked to earlier death from a variety of health conditions. Another likely factor? Unhealthy coping behaviors, such as over-eating.

This may sound dire. But here’s the upside: You can choose how to respond to your feelings. Even if it doesn’t always seem like it.

How to feel your feelings

Stuck in a loop of reacting to your feelings? Embrace them instead.

When you accept all of your feelings, you can decide what to do with them. You can choose an action that feels good — even when the emotion does not.

Here’s how:

• Name that feeling. Take note when a new feeling comes up. What is it exactly? Are you disappointed? Irritated? Nervous? Don’t judge it. Just observe. Putting your feelings into words can help reduce activity in the part of your brain that influences the intensity of those feelings. Having trouble pinpointing your specific feeling? AbleTo’s Mood Tracking tool offers a long list of feelings that you can reference.
• Check in with your body. What do you notice? A rapid heartbeat? Clenched jaw? Be willing to experience these sensations. AbleTo’s Noticing Emotions meditation can help you hone this skill. With practice, you’ll be able to identify the physical signs that go with different emotions. That meditation can also help you recognize the feelings that often come along for the ride.
• Dive deeper. Ask questions about the feeling. Are you annoyed because a family member disrespected you? Anxious about an upcoming job interview? There’s no wrong answer. Use AbleTo’s Freewrite Journal to get into the details.
• Take action. Remember, our emotions provide information. Our feelings tell us what to do with that information. Are yours trying to tell you to do something? Come up with a list of different actions that you could take. Decide which one best aligns with your goals and values. You might also decide to do nothing. Feelings are temporary. And sometimes our best option is to wait it out.

Be patient

You might be tempted to check off these steps as fast as you can. But your feelings might be on their own timeline. Rushing the process can lead you to misread the messages. You also risk acting on bad information.

So, be patient. Give yourself time to truly get in touch with your feelings. Hear them out. Only then, will you know the right way to respond.